Today is Ayden’s birthday.
Fifteen.
My son is fifteen!
Here I am, in charge of leading and guiding this boy who is almost
entirely a man.
Just feelings. *insert lyrics to that sappy old song, because I am all
up in them today – mental flashmob*
I am so, so proud of this wonderful person.
I am so super excited to see what he does next with his life –every day
is like this new adventure that he is leading us on and it has been since the
very first moment he came into this earth.
Right in the middle of all of that happy hopefulness for his bright
future is this hideous sadness and epic fear about all of the things that I
miss and all of the things that could still go wrong and all of the things that
scare me on a daily basis about what I’ve done wrong, what I’m doing wrong,
what I have yet to do wrong, and ALL OF THE THINGS.
All of my feelings are so intense, but also pushed down and covered in
bravery, so as not to embarrass him.
I mean someone around here has to act like they know what they’re doing.
Even though really, NONE OF US ACTUALLY HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT WE ARE DOING.
Yet, somehow, each year turns out okay.
Some years even turn out awesome…..and we say goodbye to another milestone
that we never imagined we’d reach (or at least not quite so quickly).
There are so many things I want my son to know, way more than I can jam
into this one blog…..but, here are a few:
Things I Really NEED You to Know
1. I wanted you. Not a baby, not a son, YOU. You’re exactly what I hoped
for every night when I curled myself around my massive belly and went to sleep
when you were growing inside me…..including a few things 25 year old me had no
way of even knowing I should wish for.
2. I don’t really care what you do when you grow up.….as long as you are
happy and safe. I need you to be safe……and healthy.
3. I am proud to call you mine.
4. I will never, ever regret saying that. Not only because I love you,
but because I trust you enough (even right now at 15) to become the kind of
person I can be proud to know.
5. You can change the world. People will try to discourage you, you may
even try to discourage yourself (we tend to be our own worst enemy, but you can
and I kinda think you will).
6. It’s okay to cry. It means you’re a person with feelings. It means
you care. It means you’re just as much of a man as the ones who act like
nothing ever bothers them. They’re liars.….or, they’re dead inside and I don’t
want you to be either of those things.
7. I think you are sooooo much cooler than all of your friends. And yes,
I am saying that because I am your momma, but also because it is true.
8. Your best quality is your kindness. But, you are handsome too (even
though I know you don’t see this now).
9. Every single time I am hard on you it breaks my heart. I do it
because I want you to be what you want to be, I want you to go where you want
to go, and I have to help you focus on your goals even when I’d totally rather
just sit on the couch and watch a movie with you.
10. I love listening to you talk, because it doesn’t happen often these
days. Sometimes I have no idea what you are even talking about. I promise I am
trying and I have “searched up”, so many things because of you.
11. It’s okay to be you, even if everyone else is different.
12. Your second best quality is your laid back personality. Okay, never
mind, it’s tied for first with your kindness.
Although, sometimes it can also infuriate me.
13. Wait for the right girl to give your heart to. I know some girl is
going to wise up and figure out that you are seriously the best thing that has
ever happened. Like I did, 15 years ago, when you came into this world kicking
and screaming. Note to that future girl: I had him first, don’t mess it up!
14. I cry all the time because I love you. Not because I am sad, because
I am trying and sometimes it is hard. And sorta a little sad, because I can’t
hold you in my lap anymore like I used to.
15. I believe in you. I know you’re going to read this (or not) and then
leave it lying on your floor. It will probably fall behind your bed and
disappear into the oblivion of your dirty room. When you pack up in a few years
to go off to college you’ll probably find it, and read it, and remember that I
believed in you when you were 15, just like I did when you were 5, just like
when you were 5 months, just like I will until the day I die, and probably even
after that too.
Happy birthday, Ayden! I love you!
(I promise not to embarrass you by putting this in your
yearbook when you’re a senior.)
